10 Things a Mother of the Bride Wishes She Could Say

  1. You think this wedding is all about you? Just remember if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t even exist.
  2. If you slouch in your wedding photographs, I will disown you.


  1. The choice of Lilies makes this more of a funeral than a wedding. Any imbecile can see that.
  1. It makes me feel physically sick that you’ve spent £500 on that monstrosity you call a ‘Wedding Cake’ when I could have whipped up 3 victoria sponges for little more than £30 for you.
  1. What’s wrong with sugared almonds?!
  2. I think strapless dresses are a danger for any woman who is not a humanised version of Barbie herself.
  1. If you think I don’t care about upstaging the Mother of the Groom, think again.
  1. I think ‘Hen-do’s’ are a completely unnecessary vulgarity and if you make me attend I will turn your own children against you.
  1. When this wedding is deemed ‘Wedding of The Year’ by all our friends, I am taking full credit.
  1. I wrote your father’s speech… BE WARNED.