10 Things a Mother of the Bride Wishes She Could Say

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  1. You think this wedding is all about you? Just remember if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t even exist.
  2. If you slouch in your wedding photographs, I will disown you.

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  1. The choice of Lilies makes this more of a funeral than a wedding. Any imbecile can see that.
  1. It makes me feel physically sick that you’ve spent £500 on that monstrosity you call a ‘Wedding Cake’ when I could have whipped up 3 victoria sponges for little more than £30 for you.
  1. What’s wrong with sugared almonds?!
  2. I think strapless dresses are a danger for any woman who is not a humanised version of Barbie herself.
  1. If you think I don’t care about upstaging the Mother of the Groom, think again.
  1. I think ‘Hen-do’s’ are a completely unnecessary vulgarity and if you make me attend I will turn your own children against you.
  1. When this wedding is deemed ‘Wedding of The Year’ by all our friends, I am taking full credit.
  1. I wrote your father’s speech… BE WARNED.